Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
