the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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