You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
