Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
