I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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