Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Someone signed my nipple.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
