never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
