whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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