Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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