Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
