Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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