Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
