Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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