I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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