Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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