all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
