I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
