I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
