My cat gives me a boner
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I am available for nakedness
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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