Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
