the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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