I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
