whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
