she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
