Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
