So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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