I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
