Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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