trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
