I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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