I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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