For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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