I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
