dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
