Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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