I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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