as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
