If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize