I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
