There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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