Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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