True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
