Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
