I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
