Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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