I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
