I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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