Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
