mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
