As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
