well I can't set my house on fire every night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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